George Sodini's Diary
This diary was published on the site of the killer (http://georgesodini.com/20090804.htm) and now deleted.
George SodiniAge 48.DOB 9/30/1960
DOD 8/4/2009
5-10, 155 lbs.
Never married.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania USA
Why do this?? To young girls? Just read below. I kept a running log
that includes my thoughts and actions, after I saw this project was
going to drag on.November 5, 2008:
Planned to do this in the
summer but figure to stick around to see the election outcome. This
particular one got so much attention and I was just curious. Not like I
give a flying fcuk who won, since this exit plan was already planned.
Good luck to Obama! He will be successful. The liberal media LOVES him.
Amerika has chosen The Black Man. Good! In light of this I got ideas
outside of Obama’s plans for the economy and such. Here it is: Every
black man should get a young white girl hoe to hone up on. Kinda a
reverse indentured servitude thing. Long ago, many a older white male
landowner had a young Negro wench girl for his desires. Bout’ time
tables are turned on that shit. Besides, dem young white hoez dig da
bruthrs! LOL. More so than they dig the white dudes! Every daddy know
when he sends his little girl to college, she be bangin a bruthr real
good. I saw it. “Not my little girl”, daddy says! (Yeah right!!) Black
dudes have thier choice of best white hoez. You do the math, there are
enough young white so all the brothers can each have one for 3 or 6
months or so.December 22, 2008:
Time is moving along. Planned to have this done already. I will just
keep a running log here as time passes. Many of the young girls here
look so beautiful as to not be human, very edible. After joining this
gym, started lifting weights and like it. Much info about weight
programs, diet etc on the web. Or anything for that matter. Instead of
TV I can Google for hours to relax. TV and most movies are dull.December 24, 2008:
Moving into Christmas again. No girlfriend since 1984, last Christmas
with Pam was in 1983. Who knows why. I am not ugly or too weird. No sex
since July 1990 either (I was 29). No shit! Over eighteen years ago.
And did it maybe only 50-75 times in my life. Getting to think that a
woman now would just, uh, get in the way of things. Isolated. I have
extra money and enjoy traveling, too, wtih my 25-30 days of vacation.
LA was the best! But going alone is not too fun. Invited to a party on
Christmas day tomorrow. Seems about 15-25 people will actually show. I
like her parties; I can meet new people and talk. Got the next 8 days
off. I should have exit plan done and practiced by then. I know nothing
will change, no matter how hard I try or what goals I set.December 28, 2008:
Glad I stayed around. All these days off are great. I will shoot for
Tuesday, January 6, 2009, at maybe 8:15. I have list of to-do items to
make.December 29, 2008:
Just got back from tanning, been doing this for a while. No gym today,
my elbow is sore again. I actually look good. I dress good, am
clean-shaven, bathe, touch of cologne – yet 30 million women rejected
me – over an 18 or 25-year period. That is how I see it. Thirty million
is my rough guesstimate of how many desirable single women there are. A
man needs a woman for confidence. He gets a boost on the job, career,
with other men, and everywhere else when he knows inside he has someone
to spend the night with and who is also a friend. This type of life I
see is a closed world with me specifically and totally excluded. Every
other guy does this successfully to a degree. Flying solo for many
years is a destroyer. Yet many people say I am easy to get along with,
etc. Looking back, I owe nothing to desirable females who ask for
anything, except for basic courtesy – usually. Looking back over
everything, what bothers me most is the inability to work towards
whatever change I choose.December 30, 2008:
While driving I radio surfed to a talk show. The caller was a 30ish
black man who was describing the despair in certain black communities.
According to him, life is cheap there because you are going to die
anyway when you get old. It is the quality of life that is important,
he said. If you know the past 40 years were crappy, why live another 30
crappy years then die? His point was they engage in dangerous behavior
which tends to shorten the lifespans, to die now and avoid the next 30
crappy years, using my example. The host got sarcastic and ended the
call instead of trying understanding his point. Agreement wasn’t
necesary. I put music back on. But it was an interesting, and useful
point for me to hear.December 31, 2008:
My anger and rage is largely gone since I began lifting weights.
Lifting drains me but I still have energy. Somebody else suggested
running but that did not help me. I guess strenuous exercise is
necesary for a man. So I just learned that now at 48. Maybe 30 years
later than I would have liked. My dad never (not once) talked to me or
asked about my life’s details and tell me what he knew. He was just a
useless sperm doner. Don’t know why, find it fun talking to young kids
when I visit someone. Brother was actually counter-productive and would
try to embarase me or discourage my efferts when persuing things, esp
girls early on (teen years). Useless bully. Result is I am learning
basics by trial and error in my 40s, followed by discuragement. Seems
odd, but thats true. Writing all this is helping me justify my plan and
to see the futility of continuing. Too embarassed to tell anyone this,
at almost 50 one is expected to just know these things.I hope it doesn’t snow on Tuesday. Just thought of that. The crowd will be thin so I would postpone. Shit!
Now that I am on the topic of family and people I know, I
might as well make a summary of sorts to show where things stand. This
is New Years Eve I have time, no date tonight of course, so:Honorable mention:
Tetelestai Church in Pittsburgh, PA – “Be Ye Holy,
even as I have been Ye holy! Thus saith the lord thy God!”, as pastor
R— K—- [redacted by raincoaster] would proclaim. Holy shit, religion is
a waste. But this guy teaches (and convinced me) you can commit mass
murder then still go to heaven. Ask him. Call him at [redacted by
raincoaster]. If no answer there, he should still live at [redacted by
raincoaster]. In any case, guilt and fear kept me there 13 long years
until Nov 2006. I think his crap did the most damage. Their web site:http://www.tetelestai.org.
Mum – The Central Boss. 717 Highview Road, Pgh PA
15234. Don’t piss her off or she will be mad and vindictive for years.
She actually thinks she’s normal. Very dominant. Her way and only her
way with no flexibility toward everyone in the household. A power and
control thing. People outside the immediate family like her. Why are
people vicious with their closest ones? She is the Boss above all other
Bosses.Michael Sodini – A Boss, my brother (Mike Sodini)
216 Horseshoe Dr, Mars PA – Always the big bully, twice the size of
most others. When he bullied or harassed someone, it was the other
person who “deserved it”. It was always about him. Way to self
absorbed, too. Still is. Used to like to embarrass guys in front of
their girlfriends. Lots of other shit. Kind of guy you actually loved
to hate. The biggest, most self-centered jagoff I know. He took those
bullying “skills” into the business world and is doing good
financially. He is a big wheel only in his mind. Most people can see
thru all his manipulation. He calls only when he wants something.Sherry – sister – More of a victim than anything.
Copes by exercising much control over her adult children. We used to be
close until her control of L & D caused a conflict. Never the same
after.David – neph, sis’s son (girlfriend Mallory Squires). Good young guy, though.
Lisa – niece, sis’s daught. Attractive, smart, emotional – all good YW qualities.
Idiots:Andy Pulkowski – I have been in barrooms and church
groups. The worst people by far are the religious types. Especially a
right-wing, stiff-faced fundie like Andy. A condescending, demeaning, passive-aggresive person.
Frigid, rigid, linear and totally inflexible. Being a very serious
person, he cannot hide his frown-lined face. He better not try to
smile; lest his face might crack. I knew children of parents who grew
up in strict religious homes. Religion has a certain stink to it of
guilt, shame, fear, and that moral standard that always contradicts the
natural tendencies and desires of a person. Therin lies the conflict.
Young person cannot experiment with things to decide on their own and
establish their own parameters. So they tend to cut loose and really
rebel much worse than the average young person. Ma and Pa never know
what goes on. They easily BS their parents because they want to believe
their little one is an angel. Andy has a young daughter Bethany
Pulkowski away at college, High Point University. I saw her picture on
his desk. She’s your basic, attractive, young girl. Please reread my
entry made on Nov 5th. That’s only one thing she can do. You Andy types
out there need to further strengthen your strict resolve and do more of
the same thing! Because those girls were great when I recall my college
years! She is someone’s (or many guy’s) little hoe now, I am sure.Another point about andy. How can someone be cold, vicious,
sarcastic and generally nasty ALL THE TIME and then make the claim
about their church life and how good they are? Total hypocritical
idiots.That’s all for now. That felt good.
Let’s continue…
January 5, 2009:
Was at the gym to lift. Very crowded. Tomorrow should be good. There is
a woman there that gives me a certain look every time I am there. I
decided to walk over and make a comment about the crowds but she left
when I finished the exercise. Better that I do not get sidetracked from
tomorrow’s plan anyways. Life is just playing games. One or two dates
with her, then the end. No matter how many changes I try to make,
things stay the same. Every evening I am alone, and then go to bed
alone. Young women were brutal when I was younger, now they aren’t as
much, probably because they just see me just as another old man.I see twenty something couples everywhere. I see a twenty something guy
with a nice twentyish young women. I think those years slipped right by
for me. Why should I continue another 20+ years alone? I will just
work, come home, eat, maybe do something, then go to bed (alone) for
the next day of the same thing. This is the Auschwitz Syndrome, to be
in serious pain so long one thinks it is normal. I cannot wait for
tomorrow!January 6, 2009:
I can do this. Leaving work today, I felt like a zombie – just going
thru the motions. Get on the bus, get the car, drive home…..My mind is
screwed up anymore, I can’t concentrate at work or think at all.This log is not detailed. It is only for confidence to do this. The future holds even less than what I have today.
It is 6:40pm, about hour and a half to go. God have mercy. I wish life
could be better for all and the crazy world can somehow run smoother. I
wish I had answers. Bye.It is 8:45PM: I chickened out! Shit! I brought the loaded guns, everything. Hell!
April 24, 2009:
Early last month, we had our second general layoff. I survived. First
one was in November. When I began 10 years ago, that used to be a nice
place to work. I understand the need to reduce staff when times sour,
but this is out of proportion to the economic problems at this time.
The economy is shrinking by about 4-5%. They decided not to pay
Christmas bonus – for staff that amounts to about 8% of yearly pay.
Well, OK. Plus no yearly “merit” raise, another 3.5%. That totals to
about 11% cut. Plus two layoffs of 5% staff in each case. Do the math.
I know this firm is using this downturn as an excuse to take advanage
of a bad situation and kill jobs UNNECESSARILY. The second layoff
people who actually did work were let go. We all need to pick up the
slack so the company can cut beyond what is necesary. Wasn’t going to
mention it, because of all this shit, it is K&L Gates, the large
law firm headquartered here in Pittsburgh. Just call it K&L Gates
Corporation. Most people there are OK and I would never have a shoot
‘em up there. They paid me for 10 years, so far!I predict I won’t survive the next layoff. That is when there is no
point to continue. RIght now, life is bearable and I can get by
indefinitely. Something bad must happen. The paycheck is all I have
left. The future holds nothing for me. Twenty five years of nothing
fun. I never even spent one weekend with a girl in my life, even at my
own place. Also unlikely to find another similar job. I guess then is
when I take care of things. I don’t have kids, close friends or
anything. Just me here. If you have nothing, you have nothing to lose.I enjoy writing these entries, I have no plans to go back and edit
or even read most stuff already written. If you get bored, just click
that “x” at the top, right corner of your browser. Bye.May 4, 2009:
I was so eager to do this last year. The big problem on my mind now is
that my job will end soon. One project is being transistioned to
another. The other one I am solely responsible, but is being fast
tracked to production. I estimate maybe a month. I am not ready for the
job market. I am ok what I do, a .NET software developer. Not at the
top of the class, but I do a good job. I survived two general layoffs
and other little layoffs they are having but keeping quiet about. I
hear things.The problem is I feel too good now to do this but too bad to enjoy
life. I know I will never enjoy life. This is an over 30 year trend.
Some people are happy, some are miserable. It is difficult to live
almost continuously feeling an undercurrent of fear, worry,
discontentment and helplessness. I can talk and joke around and sound
happy but under it all is something different that seems unchangable
and a permanent part of my being. I need to realize the details of what
I never accomplished in life and to be convinced the future is merely a
continuation of the past – WHICH IT ALWAYS has been. I am making a list
of items that will provide motivation to do the exit plan, it won’t be
published. I always had hope that maybe things will improve especially
if I make big attempts to change my life. I made many big changes in
the past two years but everything is still the same. Life is over. Even
though I look good, dress well, well groomed – nails, teeth, hair, etc.
Who knows.What is it like to be dead? I always think I am forgetting
something, that’s one reason I postponed. Similar to when you leave to
get in your car to go somewhere – you hesitate with a thought: “what am
I forgetting?”. In this case, I cannot make a return trip!I like to write and talk. Ironic because I haven’t met anybody
recently (past 30 years) who I want to be close friends with OR who
want to be close friends with me. I was always open to suggestions to
what I am doing wrong, no brother or father (mine are useless) or close
friend to nudge me and give it bluntly yet tactfully wtf I am doing
wrong. A personal coach or someone who knows what he is doing would be
perfect. Money is highly secondary for a solution.May 5, 2009:
To pull the exit plan off, it popped into my mind to just use some
booze. I want to do this before I get laid off, for reasons not worth
mentioning but don’t seem to have the balls. After the gym, I stopped
at Shop N Save and got a fifth of vodka and a small bottle of Jack
Daniels. I haven’t had a drink since September 1, 1988, just over 20
years. It doesn’t matter now, I need to use it to take the edge off of
carrying out the exit plan. I will be taking some every now and then to
get used to it and see if the alcohol effects will embolden me. Weed
would be fun to try again. I don’t know who has any. Life is over, who
cares? I just need to use common sense, can’t drink and drive, etc.
This idea just hit me at a point in time and I immediately acted on it.
Same thing happened when I decided to go back to Pitt full time, first
day was Monday, May 8, 1989, and to buy the house that closed on
Friday, September 30, 1996, to name two examples I remember so well.The list idea yesterday is working. I carry it in my wallet and add
to it. I am feeling to good to do carry this out, but too bad to enjoy
ANYTHING. My life’s dilema.May 6, 2009:
I started the JD. About one ounce with some tea to get me started. No big deal.
May 7, 2009:
Went to the gym and did mostly cardio. My heart rate was 117 just from
walking on the treadmill at 3.4. This should be done a few times a week
for maybe 15 mins or so to keep the heart active. I sprinted a few
times to push the limits.May 18, 2009:
I actually had a date today. It was with a woman I met on the bus in
March. We got together at Two PPG Place for lunch. The last date for me
was May 1, 2008. Women just don’t like me. There are 30 million
desirable women in the US (my estimate) and I cannot find one. Not one
of them finds me attractive. I am looking at The List I made from my
May 4th idea. I forgot about that for several days. That tells me where
I stand. These problems have gotten worse over a 30 year period. I need
to expect nothing from me or other people. All through the years I
thought we had the ability to change ourselves – I guess that is
incorrect. Looking at The List makes me realize how TOTALLY ALONE, a
deeper word is ISOLATED, I am from all else.I no longer have any expectations of myself. I have no options because
I cannot work toward and achieve even the smallest goals. That is,
ABOVE ALL, what bothers me the most. Not to be able to work towards
what I want in my life. I believe I am deserve that. I read recently it
is called “self efficacy”, but who knows. Is that more psychobable?May 25, 2009:
I was invited to a picnic, and I went. An older woman there, out of the
blue, asked if I liked high school. Then quickly asked if I was picked
on very much. Intersting why she would ask that. But, thanks, I already
know what the problem is, but a solution eludes me.May 29, 2009:
Another lonely Friday night, I’m done. This is too much.
June 2, 2009:
Some people I was talking with believed I date a lot and get around
with women. They think this because I showed an email I got from a hot
woman to the department gossip, but it didn’t work out. All this is
funny. Actually, I haven’t had sex since I was 29 years old, 19 years
ago. That’s true.June 5, 2009:
I was reading several posts on different forums and it seems many
teenage girls have sex frequently. One 16 year old does it usually
three times a day with her boyfriend. So, err, after a month of that,
this little hoe has had more sex than ME in my LIFE, and I am 48. One
more reason. Thanks for nada, bitches! Bye.July 4, 2009:
Wow, already late evening. I stayed in all day. Can’t believe there was
NOTHING to do today. No parties or picnics. WTF. No need to leave now.July 20, 2009:
Been a long time since last write. Everything still sucks. But I got a
promotion and a raise, even in this shitty Obama ecomomy. No more grunt
programming. Go figure! New boss is great. He tactfully says when you
did something wrong or complements on good things. Never confused with
him. But that is NOT what I want in life. I guess some of us were
simply meant to walk a lonely path. I have slept alone for over 20
years. Last time I slept all night with a girlfriend it was 1982.
Proof I am a total malfunction. Girls and women don’t even give me a
second look ANYWHERE. There is something BLATANTLY wrong with me that
NO goddam person will tell me what it is. Every person just wants to be
fucking nice and say nice things to me. Flattery. Oh yeah, I am sure
you can get a date anytime. You look good, etc. Pussies.Awwww, wait. I can just start being self-righteous and say I live a
good, clean life. I am holy, that’s all Rick Knapp stuff. Hear that you
mother fucker: I Am Just Good!July 23, 2009:
Wow!!
I just looked out my front window and saw a beautiful college-age
girl leave Bob Fox’s house, across the street. I guess he got a good
lay today. College girls are hoez. I masturbate. Frequently. He is
about 45 years old. She was a long haired, hot little hottie with a
beautiful bod. I masturbate. Frequently. Some were simply meant to walk
a lonely path in life. I don’t usually look out, but just happened to
notice. Holy fuck. I have masturbated since age 13. Thanks, mum and
brother (by blood alone). And dad, old man, for TOTALLY ignoring me
through the years. All of you DEEPLY helped me be this way.I wish I can go back to 1975 and fix things. Awe, that wont work,
big BULLY BROTHER would assert his bull shit. He was twice my size. He
never messed with guys bigger than 5′10, or so. He is a PUSSY at heart.
Remember, Michael is my brother (we have common parents, that’s all) is
still a BOSS. Repetition only for emphasis: HE IS ONLY A BULLY, even at
50ish! Never forget that! Because he exudes confidence. People believe
bull shit if delivered WITH CONFIDENCE. Get it??On the same thought, things occured to me today. Michael NEVER had
an attractive girlfriend. Debbie, Barb, Kim, … then I lost track. Not
to say I had any (execpt Pam, who was about a 7.25). He married a
Chinese-descent, petite woman with no body, no ass, no chest and no
personality. She never laughs or smiles, neither does he. But she is
highly intelligent and an excellent cook. I can testify to that! She
home bakes her own DELICIOUS wheat bread! But who cares about that type
of small bull crap? Mike even mentioned when we were visiting dad that
“she’s not very attractive”.I don’t know where I am going with this. I am getting tired, feels good to write and get it all out.
On still another thought, I had 20+ years of sobriety and achieved
nothing about friendships, girlfriends, guys, etc. Zilch. What a waste.Bye, for today.
August 2, 2009:
The biggest problem of all is not having relationships or friends, but
not being able to achieve and acquire what I desire in those or many
other areas. Everthing stays the same regardless of the effert I put
in. If I had control over my life then I would be happier. But for
about the past 30 years, I have notAugust 3, 2009:
I took off today, Monday, and tomorrow to practice my routine and make
sure it is well polished. I need to work out every detail, there is
only one shot. Also I need to be completely immersed into something
before I can be successful. I haven’t had a drink since Friday at about
2:30. Total effort needed. Tomorrow is the big day.Unfortunately I talked to my neighbor today, who is very positive
and upbeat. I need to remain focused and absorbed COMPLETELY. Last time
I tried this, in January, I chickened out. Lets see how this new
approach works.Maybe soon, I will see God and Jesus. At least that is what I was
told. Eternal life does NOT depend on works. If it did, we will all be
in hell. Christ paid for EVERY sin, so how can I or you be judged BY
GOD for a sin when the penalty was ALREADY paid. People judge but that
does not matter. I was reading the Bible and The Integrity of God
beginning yesterday, because soon I will see them.I will try not to add anymore entries because this computer clicking distracts me.
Also, any of the “Practice Papers” left on my coffee table I used or
the notes in my gym bag can be published freely. I will not be
embarased, because, well, I will be dead. Some people like to study
that stuff. Maybe all this will shed insight on why some people just
cannot make things happen in their life, which can potentially benefit
others.
Miscellaneous:1. Probably 99% of the people who know me well don’t even think I
was this crazy. Told by at least 100 girls/women over the years I was a
“nice guy”. Not kidding.2. Lee Ann Valdiserri had my baby in early 1991. Haven’t seen her
since she was about four months into it. I knew her sister, Chris, from
high school.3. Net worth slightly more than $250K, (after all debt) as of end of 2008.
4. Death Lives!
© 2009 George SodiniThis should not be taken off the web. It is obviously my view and opinion.
Reproduce this as you wish, in its entirity.
**Copy this to usenet/newsgroups where my voice will speak forever!**
Don’t modify it, you can correct my spelling errors, I used WordPad.
Unless the names are required legally to be blotted out, then fine. Thanks.